A Poverty of the Soul

I always admired my mother for her gracious, loving, and patient spirit toward others… and especially toward my dad. I wanted to be like her when I grew up. And through the years, I believe I have become more inclined that direction. Many people would probably say I am kind or compassionate or gracious (at least in most situations). 

However, I have discovered that deep down I really evidence “a poverty of the soul”. I’m more aware of this now, because I’m in a season with more unstructured time. Because I’m less outwardly busy, I have more time for interior reflection. (“Search me, O God, and know my heart today…” – Psalm 139:23-24). And because I’m not working, and because we don’t have limitless funds, I have started to recognize my own feelings of insecurity. I don’t like admitting this, because it makes me feel vulnerable and inadequate.

Since Bruce and I have been together much of the last 4 months, I more clearly see behaviors that can be annoying: words that are better left unsaid...demands that should be released…and a heart that can, at times, simply be uncooperative. 

I am thankful for our love. I am thankful that we have shared over 30 years of married life. But I now see so clearly my poverty of soul; my lack of reflecting God’s Spirit more fully. This extended time together, which has been good in so many ways, has awakened me to my own impurities and has reminded me that God still has much work to do to shape my character.

I need Christ – not just to worship in my life, but to change me to be like Him. And in this season, I see that many of those changes have to do with my behavior and attitudes when things don’t go my way; when I’m feeling adrift because of the lack of daily structure; when I hear my words that try to control others. In these moments, my poverty of soul is showing. I know I need the Savior, and I realize – in a fresh way – just how much I need Him. 

When I was in high school I memorized a scripture that continues to surface in my life…and even today nudges me toward more fully reflecting God’s character:  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. [Philippians 4:8-9]

God continues to teach me many things during this “way station” of our sabbatical. I want to learn from Him so that I become more like Him; so that my aching soul will be healed, renewed, and transformed.


- Julie