New Life on the Mountain

This past week, I went to the Pine Springs Ranch outside Idyllwild for Session 2 of my Spiritual Direction program (Session 1 took place in January). Between each session I read, study, and write papers. Then, during the 4-day gathering on the mountain, I participate with the rest of my group in seminars, devotional Bible studies, and discussions. We also are expected to spend one entire afternoon (5 hours!) alone with God. We call this “Extended Personal Communion” (EPC).

Back in January, I started my EPC by taking a walk…sensing his presence through the beauty of His creation around me. So this past week, I decided to begin my afternoon in just the same way. As I did, I was struck by the incredible contrast between then and now; at the changes that have occurred in me during these past few months.

How different I felt back in January! I remember that I cried during my walk as emotions bubbled to the surface. I was grieving all of the losses of the past 10 years: my parents, my brother, our church family, and our very special fellowship group. I was crying not only for the losses that had already taken place, but also for the fear of further loss. I did not know what God had in store for our future, and I realized that I was not looking forward to further change.

I even found myself questioning God’s love. How could He allow so much to be taken, leaving us feeling stripped and abandoned?

The environment where I was walking seemed to be a perfect metaphor for the way I was feeling. Snow was covering the paths at the retreat center, just as the paths of my future were covered. Why was this? Was it because God wanted to prevent me from walking in the same ruts and patterns of life as before? Was He removing these things because I had depended on them too much?

As I pondered this, I sensed God saying something profound: He was covering the visible road (a future I thought I knew) so that I could step forward in faith on the invisible road (a future I did not know.)

Three months have passed since that walk and my first visit to Pine Springs. And how was the April walk with God different from the January walk? This past week there were no tears; there simply was a sense of celebration and joy in God’s presence. He has helped me to grieve the losses, and lay them to rest, so that I can move forward. I feel a sense of hope and anticipation; of new opportunities and new experiences and new insights into the ways that God wants to work in me and through me. Once again, the very environment served as an appropriate metaphor for what was taking place in my life, because the snow had melted and spring was arriving. New growth was all around me…just as new growth was taking place within me.

At times during this sabbatical I felt as if God had abandoned me. But this time of slowing down has been so necessary to deepen my relationship with Him. My work…my busyness…my driven-ness… were keeping me from Him. And because of His great love for me, my Father removed these things so that I could know Him better.

Isaiah 40:31 says,

Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.

God is removing my weariness. He has helped me to move beyond the pain of the past. And every day, I feel myself gaining “new strength” as He prepares me for the next step in His unfolding plan.

- Julie