A Day of Reflection

A few times a year, the monastery north of us in Mt. Angel offers a day of reflection.  It includes a few short talks from one of the nuns, and several hours of quiet time.  This past week I took a friend and we joined in.  I came away with a few new ways at looking at some of my issues and questions, along with a lighter heart and a more rested spirit.

One talk focused on preparing for the birth of Jesus during the Advent Season.  I started to think about all that this season usually entails - preparing special meals, Christmas parties, choosing gifts and decorating the house among other things.  It always is a time when I really feel that need to take control of my schedule since every minute can be busy with activity. 

But our teacher suggested a better way to prepare.

...Instead of focusing on physical preparation, focus on spiritual preparation. 

...Instead of planning every moment, be open and receptive to how God chooses to show up in my moments. 

...Instead of worrying whether I’ve checked everything off the list and put every decoration in place, be alert to God’s surprises, delays, and plans.

This certainly is the year to take this message to heart.  For many weeks, Bruce has been working on refinishing our dining/living room floor.  It’s a big job and has been much more involved and time consuming than we expected.  Our son, his fiancé, and her little boy are arriving here in two weeks, with their wedding a week later.  And we are not ready – yet. 

Some days I get anxious about the “doing”, because this is the season of doing.  The morning at Mt. Angel reminded me again to focus on God’s presence, and to be receptive to whatever He has for me each day. 

This is the way to prepare for the birth of Jesus: to joyfully experience being in the presence of Almighty God. 

Oh come let us adore Him – Christ the Lord. 

-          Julie

Give Me Clarity…Now Give Me More Clarity!

I often think, “If I just receive clarity from the Lord, I will gladly obey.” But in our recent journey, I’ve realized that fear can keep me from moving forward, even when God does provide clarity.

In Judges 6, we see a man named Gideon struggling with this same issue: receiving clarity, but still afraid of moving forward in his circumstances. How I can identify with Gideon!

An angel of the Lord appears to Gideon and tells him “the Lord is with you.” What more should he need than that kind of overt confirmation? Yet, Gideon questions that statement, feeling as if the Lord has abandoned him and the people of Israel.

The Lord then tells Gideon that he will be given strength to save Israel. But Gideon questions the angel of the Lord once again, and he does so by pointing out his unsuitably for the task: he’s weak, he’s young, he’s inadequate. The angel of the Lord reminds Gideon that God is with him!

I’m just like Gideon. I desire clarity…God gives me what I ask for…but then I doubt and ask for more clarity. Again and again.

Later on in Gideon’s life, the Spirit of the Lord comes upon him as he prepares the Israelites for battle. And despite God’s earlier faithfulness, Gideon once again questions Him, looking for assurance that the Lord will keep His promises to Israel.

As a way to confirm God’s will, Gideon places a wool fleece on a threshing floor, and offers a prayer. If there is dew only on the fleece and all the ground is dry, then he will know that the Lord is faithful. God graciously gives Gideon the sign he is looking for…yet Gideon continues to doubt. So he prays again, this time asking that the ground will be wet with dew and the fleece will be dry. God…ever gracious, ever patient…once again responds to Gideon’s request.

God is providing Gideon with incredible clarity about his direction, but – at almost every step - Gideon hesitates. He struggles with doubts; he offers excuses; he delays moving forward by asking questions. Why does he do this? Because he feels inadequate for the tasks ahead, even though he has been personally selected for those tasks by God Himself! Gideon is afraid. And his fear results in hesitation.

I understand exactly how Gideon feels, because God has given us tremendous clarity in recent months as we have waited upon Him. We certainly do not know all that the future holds, but He has faithfully given us clarity and direction at each step of our journey. We have learned that we do not need to understand all the steps that lie ahead…we just need to know the next step. And God has made the next step clear, time after time after time.

I love to analyze and compare and evaluate; I love to be in charge of the details of my life. So as Bruce and I prayerfully searched for a new church home, I wanted God to give us two or three or four or more options from which to choose.

But I was praying daily for clarity, so God directed us to one…and only one…church. You see, our loving Father knew that too many choices would not only muddy the water, it would cause us to think that we were in control. Instead, we had to rely on God. We had to trust His choice for us, rather than (as is usually the case) ask Him to bless the choices we make.

When we visited the church that God had picked out for us, I felt in my soul that He was confirming and clarifying His plan for us. So how did I respond? Did I react with faith and trust? Sadly…no. I responded just like Gideon, with doubts and questions and fears.

I felt inadequate. I questioned what it would be like to move to a new place with new people. Like Gideon, I wanted to ask for a re-check; to clarify if God really was speaking to us; to clarify that we actually understood His plan correctly.

Why the questioning? Why the doubts?

Fear. Just fear. I was afraid that I could not do what needed to be done; that I could not be who I needed to be.

However, as I pondered and prayed, I realized that Gideon and I both were looking at our challenges from the wrong angle. We were focusing on ourselves. We were struggling with our perceptions, our capabilities, our plans, our desires. By bringing me to the story of Gideon, God reminded me that the journey of faith is not built upon what I can do. It is about listening to God, hearing His voice, and following Him. Yes, I am weak and not always capable. But God is strong, always capable, and always faithful.

It was comforting to read Gideon’s account of his dialogue with God. For as I recognized my own fear and offered it to the Lord, His peace descended upon my heart…my mind…my soul. And I realized that it really is better not to know everything about the future. All I need to know is the next step.

All I need is clarity – just enough clarity – so that I can move forward in faith, following the Lord wherever He leads me.

- Julie

Pursuing A God-Sized Dream

Over the last few months, my mind has been turning again and again to the frenetic pace at which I lived for so many years. As I talk to other women, I realize that this is a widely shared problem, because too many of us simply do not have good boundaries. As a result, we have become plugged in, wired, over-functioning, multi-tasking creatures who often drive ourselves into the ground and (sometimes) drive the people around us crazy.

Because of my concern for the way in which too many of us live, I’ve periodically had an idea to create a place where women could come for rest and renewal. Where women can unplug, relax, experience beauty and serenity, and draw closer to God. But this idea never took on any concrete form. It just continued to be a vague, unformed concept that I might pursue someday.

Then, last December, Bruce wrote a blog entitled, “My dreams for Julie” [see December 12, 2009 post]. I’m sure that at least some his thoughts were sparked by the comments I would make from time-to-time, because his dreams for me included this idea of a gathering place: a room of quietness and beauty, where I could meet with women individually and in groups to encourage them to have meaningful times of personal reflection and prayer. His dreams also included a place where I could write devotional articles that would address the deepest needs of women; a way to share my heart for ministry through the written word.

Needless to say, it meant a great deal to have my husband articulate this prayer of dreams that were important to me.

The months passed and these dreams simmered. They were ever present, but there was little change or activity. And then, one day in April while I was exercising at the gym, our loving Father in Heaven began just pouring plans – specific and concrete plans – into my mind. For the first time, the dreams started to become real as God gave me a clear vision…of rooms, gardens, and colors. A vision of ministry programs that would touch the hearts and souls of women. A vision for a quarterly spiritual journal that could help women read, reflect, and feel God’s touch.

Since that day last spring, the Lord has continued to feed me details about how to bring this vision to life. And – as Bruce has prayed with me about these details - he has agreed with me that this is a vision from God. So we are embarking on a journey of faith (another one!) by writing a ministry plan and a business plan. And as we write, we receive more and more specifics from the Lord. We find that we’re doing very little “planning”…we’re mostly “listening” to capture what God is revealing to us.

At this point, the dream has become large; so large that it is truly beyond our puny ability to implement. We’re not sure at all of the “how” and the “when”, but we feel compelled by the Spirit to keep moving forward.

It’s interesting that as the vision becomes more clear, the steps involved become more complex. I find this overwhelming at times, but Bruce reminded me the other day that we do not need to see all of the steps: we just need to have clear direction about the next step. So as we take each step, in faith, we simply trust that God will reveal the step after that…and the step after that.

At this point, our best guess is that the full implementation of the dream still is a couple of years away. We will have to form a new non-profit organization, raise funds, purchase a site, develop it, recruit staff and volunteers…the “to do” list is a long one.

It is easy for me to be fearful, or to wonder what God is up to. Fear can paralyze me, and make me believe that a God-sized dream cannot happen through me. But I realize that this is false; it is a lie that the enemy wants me to believe. So moving forward to capture this dream is teaching me to stand with God and to stand against my fears.

I can see this dream so clearly in my mind…and I now look forward to the day when this dream will be a reality.

- Julie

The Punctuation of Prayer

A pastor I know presented a devotional talk a few years ago on “The Punctuation of Prayer”. I’ve never been able to get this phrase – or his key points – out of my head.

His talk challenged me to consider this question: “What kind of ‘punctuation marks’ do I use at the end of my prayers?” Specifically…

• Do my prayers usually end with exclamation points? (“Oh, Lord, please get me out of this jam!”)
• Do my prayers usually end with periods? (“Oh, Lord, please bless me today.”)
• Do my prayers usually end with question marks? (Oh, Lord, how do You want me to andle this situation?)

As I ponder these questions and evaluate my own prayer life, I realize that my approach to God is dominated by statements (the periods and exclamation points), not by inquiries (the question marks). Interestingly, even the requests that I present to my Heavenly Father tend to be phrased as statements…rather than questions.

For example, I often will pray: “Father, please give me wisdom as I make a decision today about _______.”

Notice the period.

Isn’t this an odd way to make a “request”? After all, if I were conversing with a close friend, or with my wife, I would phrase this as a question: “What advice would you give me as I consider the decision I have to make today?”

Obviously, I want more than “advice” from God, but doesn’t it make sense to approach Him in a conversational manner, just as I would a trusted friend? Wouldn’t it be appropriate to pray, “Father, You know that I have to make a decision today about ____. What would You like me to do in this situation?”

Since this makes so much sense…then why do I so seldom phrase my prayers as questions?

One reason: When I don’t really live as if I have a “relationship” with the Father, then it results in a prayer life that is formal and distant, not conversational.

Another reason: I may talk a good game about living in obedience to the Father, but I have to admit that my life is largely self-directed. So it’s easy to offer a ritualistic prayer where I “ask” God to direct my decisions…but then I charge ahead, running my life as I see fit.

A third reason: If I’m painfully honest, I have to admit that I don’t necessarily expect an overt answer from God; I expect to have to figure out stuff on my own. Ending my prayers with periods simply is a reflection of my attitude…because when I end my prayers with periods I do not live my day in expectation. I am less likely to be spiritually sensitive; less likely to look for the hand of God in circumstances; less likely to listen for His voice as others speak to me; less likely to watch for His emerging answers throughout the day.

But when I end my prayers with question marks, my outlook completely changes. Asking God sincere and open-ended questions awakens my heart…and my mind…and my soul…to listen and watch so that I can hear and see His answers. As King David writes, “In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you, and wait in expectation.” (Psalm 5:3)

This verse (like so many others) is an invitation to punctuate my prayers differently…to focus more on the question marks than the periods…and to live expectantly as I wait for my Heavenly Father to answer.

- Bruce

A New Way to Pray

God has been teaching me to listen to Him more closely. As noted in an earlier post (“Listening Beyond the Silence” – February 24), I’m trying to bring more times of silence and solitude into my life. Not surprisingly, this is changing the way I pray.

At least twice a week, Julie and I try to have a devotional time together that focuses on reading - and meditating upon - Scripture. Our times of meditation simply are moments of precious silence, when we listen…and listen…so we can absorb the meaning of God’s Word. By giving ourselves time to “soak” in the text, we find that we uncover ever deeper layers of meaning as God’s Spirit speaks to our minds, hearts, and souls. We also incorporate some formal, written prayers into these devotional times. [We’ve found the “daily office” materials offered by the Northumbria Community in England to be particularly helpful (http://www.northumbriacommunity.org/pray-the-daily-office); their meditations have deeply enriched our prayer times.]

In the past, I’ve never been fond of formal “liturgical” prayers because they lacked spontaneity. While this is true, it’s also true that when I pray spontaneously, my prayers are very “self”-oriented. In other words, even when they are not specifically about me, they are focused (obviously) on whatever is on my mind at the moment. The written prayers and meditations, on the other hand, lead me into spiritual territory where I normally would not journey on my own. And sometimes these liturgical prayers express – better than I ever could – the deepest longings of my soul.

In addition to our own devotional times, Julie and I now are part of two different “Reflection and Connection” groups. These groups meet weekly, and we focus on reading Scripture, sitting in silence to listen to God and absorb the meaning of the text, and then sharing what we sense Jesus saying to each of us personally. And our prayer times (both silent and aloud) are informed by the rich, personal sharing that has taken place.

What a contrast to the typical “Bible Study” groups we’ve led in the past (and which, I hasten to add, have great value). I’m so used to reading the text, then immediately diving into a discussion about all the things we see. The discipline of slowing down to reflect, before any discussion, makes a huge difference in what I actually take away from the text. This, in turn, is changing the way I pray.

My spontaneous prayers are richer and deeper, because I’m talking less and listening more. Listening to my soul. Listening to God to know Him better. And as I listen, I more easily can hear and recognize His voice as He speaks His truth into my life.

Prayer used to be a chore, but now it is an ever-growing joy…because God is teaching me a new way to pray.

- Bruce

No Shortcuts With God

That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?" He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"   Mark 4:35-41

I’ve been faithfully riding my mountain bike around “the Fullerton Loop” 2-to-3 times each week, and this discipline has become a key part of my physical, emotional, and spiritual health. And on a recent ride, I experienced the reality of this Bible story in an unusual…incredible…way.

On this particular morning, the weather was cool and cloudy, but no rain was forecast until evening. Just as I reached the half-way point of my ride, it started to lightly sprinkle. I did not want to get wet, but neither did I want to cut my ride short. So I was faced with a decision: continue the ride…or head home?

And – interestingly – the half-way point was the one place where I easily could have left the trail, made a beeline for home, and minimized my exposure to the coming rain. In other words, I could have taken a shortcut. It would have been easy to do so. It was tempting to do so.

But the Bible story above kept running through my mind, and I found myself wrestling with the idea of pressing on through the rain toward my goal. At the same time, I wondered about “rebuking the storm”. So I started to pray (out loud, since no one else was on the trail) and I said something like this: “Father, I will not take a shortcut today. I will ride the longer way, the normal way, believing that this is in my best interests. I will do this whether or not I get wet. But I also prefer to stay dry, and I choose to believe that You do not want me to get wet today. So in the name of Jesus I rebuke the rain. I ask You – the Creator of the rain – to hold it back so that I may finish the ride.” I prayed this way continually for the next several minutes as the light sprinkles continued…and then, all of a sudden, they stopped. About 15 minutes later, it started to sprinkle again…I prayed some more…and the sprinkling stopped. Again.

This was absolutely wild and weird and wonderful. Because I pressed on (regardless of the consequences), God chose to calm the “storm” of the rain in response to my prayer. If I had taken the shortcut home, I would have shortcut God’s opportunity to bless me with His miraculous power.

At the same time, God was using this very real experience as a metaphor, to make an important point about my ongoing spiritual journey. He clearly was reminding me that usually there are no shortcuts with Him. The way of faith often is “the long way around” because that is the route that requires trust. I’m in the midst of such an experience right now as my search for a new ministry unfolds slowly…very slowly…much more slowly than I would prefer. I keep wishing that God would provide a short-cut; that a great ministry opportunity would show up now.

But the Father is telling me that He will keep me dry and safe…He will bring me through to the other side…He will protect me from the storm…but I must learn to trust Him for as long as the journey takes. Because there are no shortcuts in the life of faith.  

- Bruce

Listening Beyond the Silence

"Be still and know that I am God…"
Psalm 46:10

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.     
1 Kings 19:11-13

These Bible verses are familiar to me, but I confess that I’ve never fully understood them. In particular, here are three questions that I’ve pondered:

1) Why does the Psalmist have to be “still” in order to know God?
2) Why does Elijah hear the voice of God not in a mighty way, but as a “gentle whisper”?
3) Is this advice specific to these individuals, or does it also apply to me?

I’m starting…just starting…to understand. Yes, these verses do apply to me. Through these verses, God is offering me timeless wisdom about how I can know Him better. And I now see the key, critical, vital, life-changing point: God whispers so that I will choose to slow down! He wants me to embrace silence and stillness so that I can hear His voice clearly and without distractions.

In all my years of following Jesus, I’ve never approached God in this way. 

As I reflect on my relationship with the Lord, I recognize that I’ve often struggled to discern His will. His “voice” usually has seemed muffled. But this should not be a surprise, because I’ve never taken the time to truly listen. My life is filled with busyness and activity; my mind is constantly abuzz with thoughts and plans and dreams and fantasies and hopes and fears and worries and anxieties….

I have created a wall of almost impenetrable clutter; it’s no wonder that God’s voice is indistinct to my ears.

So I have embarked on a journey into stillness before the Lord. This journey began last September in the eastern Sierras when Julie and I enjoyed our retreat. We spent several afternoons paddling our kayak on the beautiful, and nearly empty, alpine lakes. We would paddle and drift, and simply listen. I would listen to the wind in the aspens. Listen to the birds. Listen to the water lapping against the rocks along the lakeshore. The more I listened, the more I heard. And sometimes I actually could “hear” the silence. As I learned to listen to God’s creation, I started to learn more about how to listen for His voice. And “hearing the silence” seems to be a key component of learning to hear God.

I enjoy military history, and years ago I read about a sonar operator on a U.S. submarine. He was describing his job, and one comment stood out: “To be effective at this job, you must learn to listen until you hear the silence. And then you can listen through the silence and start to hear the subtle sounds of the deep.”

This description fits with the way I am striving to listen to God. I am learning…slowly…to quiet my mind. To sit before Him in stillness. To read Scripture and simply let my mind soak in His truth. As I do these things, I am starting to hear the silence. And beyond the silence, I know that I will hear – far more clearly – the gentle whisper of my loving Heavenly Father.

-  Bruce