A Day of Reflection

A few times a year, the monastery north of us in Mt. Angel offers a day of reflection.  It includes a few short talks from one of the nuns, and several hours of quiet time.  This past week I took a friend and we joined in.  I came away with a few new ways at looking at some of my issues and questions, along with a lighter heart and a more rested spirit.

One talk focused on preparing for the birth of Jesus during the Advent Season.  I started to think about all that this season usually entails - preparing special meals, Christmas parties, choosing gifts and decorating the house among other things.  It always is a time when I really feel that need to take control of my schedule since every minute can be busy with activity. 

But our teacher suggested a better way to prepare.

...Instead of focusing on physical preparation, focus on spiritual preparation. 

...Instead of planning every moment, be open and receptive to how God chooses to show up in my moments. 

...Instead of worrying whether I’ve checked everything off the list and put every decoration in place, be alert to God’s surprises, delays, and plans.

This certainly is the year to take this message to heart.  For many weeks, Bruce has been working on refinishing our dining/living room floor.  It’s a big job and has been much more involved and time consuming than we expected.  Our son, his fiancé, and her little boy are arriving here in two weeks, with their wedding a week later.  And we are not ready – yet. 

Some days I get anxious about the “doing”, because this is the season of doing.  The morning at Mt. Angel reminded me again to focus on God’s presence, and to be receptive to whatever He has for me each day. 

This is the way to prepare for the birth of Jesus: to joyfully experience being in the presence of Almighty God. 

Oh come let us adore Him – Christ the Lord. 

-          Julie

Waiting on the Lord

But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.   Isaiah 40:31

I’ve been pondering this Scripture recently...particularly the word “wait"...as I continue to wait for God’s next step to clearly unfold in my life. There are two kinds of waiting that come to my mind:

- waiting for the known: when we know something specific is coming our way (the wedding to take place, the baby to arrive, the vacation to begin, the school year to end…)

- waiting for the unknown: when we’re not sure what lies ahead (looking for a new job, hoping for a raise, waiting for the doctor to call with test results…)

If we are confident of the end point, does it make any difference in how we wait? I think it does. While waiting for the known, we can be excited, nervous, and even anxious…but these emotions are easier to handle because we can see a reasonable end point.

When our children were little, I remember waiting for Bruce to come home. I would be watching a clock at times, weighing the kids’ behavior and what I wanted to put up with, based on how long I had to wait. If it had been a difficult day, I would find myself dispensing just enough patience to get me through until he arrived. I was pacing myself, so I wouldn’t get too weary or faint…and this worked (at least sometimes).

But it’s entirely different when I can’t see what the end point will look like…or when it will come about.

If I’m not careful, I find that my ability to handle the waiting dissipates, because I become worn down by anxiety, by worry, or by fears of what might happen. In fact, I can become so distressed that I start to believe things will never change.

But as a woman of faith, that is when I am supposed to lean most heavily upon God. For Isaiah isn’t just telling me to “wait”, he’s telling me to “wait upon the Lord”. It is in waiting in relationship with the Sovereign, Creator God that I will find new strength. The Bible is filled with individuals who waited on Him to receive strength in their time of need, and I find myself examining the circumstances of these people for inspiration as my own time of waiting seems to grow ever longer.

Joseph – who was unfairly imprisoned for more than a dozen years – reminds me to persevere.

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego – who stepped into a fiery furnace – remind me to live with courage.

Moses – who led the Israelites for 40 years of wandering – reminds me to never stop trusting.

A Syrophoenician woman – who cried out to Jesus for mercy on behalf of her demon-afflicted daughter – reminds me to believe in God’s healing power.

Rahab – who hid the Israelite spies and asked to be rescued – reminds me to never give up hope.

Mary – who watched Jesus as He lived and died and rose – reminds me to live with a view towards eternity.

Even though I’ve waited for many things in my life, in this new season I realize that I need to learn how to hold more firmly onto the Lord. Isaiah tells me that as I wait for the Lord, I will fly on wings like an eagle; I will run without getting weary; I will walk without growing faint.

I’m captivated by that image of the eagle.

The powerful wings of an eagle enable it to soar to great heights, giving it an incredible ability to view things from a long distance. If I hold onto God more firmly as I wait, perhaps He will allow me to gain a better perspective. A higher perspective. Perhaps even a glimpse of His perspective that will help me better understand His unfolding plan for me.

Eagle chicks remain in the nest for more than 3 months before they try to fly; much longer than most other birds. What a great reminder that time in the nest provides comfort, care, and the opportunity to gain strength. It is essential waiting.

I feel so ready to step out of my nest, and this extended time of waiting can make me frenetic and anxious. But increasingly I sense that God is holding me back; that He is having me wait so that I can gain the necessary strength – physical, emotional, spiritual – for whatever lies ahead.

Because if I wait until He’s ready to let me go, then…and only then…will I be able to catch the wind and soar like an eagle.

- Julie

It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

I think it’s going to be Christmas tomorrow.

That sounds like a funny statement to make on the last day of August, but that is how I am trying to look at my circumstances.

When I was little, I loved the excitement of looking forward to Christmas Day. I was entranced with the sights and sounds of the season – lights, glitter, ornaments. What a beautiful way to celebrate Jesus’ birthday. After opening stockings and enjoying breakfast together, we all would troop to the living room. First my father would read the Christmas story, and then we would pray. After that, we would take turns opening brightly colored presents. And what is a present, after all, but a surprise wrapped up as a gift?

I often hoped for (and even prayed for) a specific gift, but I now realize that I received an abundance of special gifts…some that were expected, and many that were not. Sometimes the unexpected gift was the best one of all.

Which brings me back to my feelings about celebrating Christmas tomorrow.

For just over a year, Bruce and I have been waiting for God’s instructions as to the next step in our lives. We have prayed. Others – family, friends, many of you who read this blog – have prayed. We have tried to be patient, waiting to see how God would unfold our future. Mostly, we’ve been content and have grown through this season of waiting. But at times, I just have wanted to say, “I’m done, Lord.” In those moments, I’ve been impatient, wanting God to give us His answer now. And yet, I’ve also been fearful. Fearful of when He would answer and how He would answer, and (at times) even wondering if He would answer.

And now we come to the past few weeks. A church in another state is seriously considering Bruce for the position of preaching minister. The search committee has met with their final candidates (including us) and tonight the committee meets to discuss their conclusions. Their goal is to prayerfully decide which candidate is best suited to fill this vital role in their church.

Needless to say, we have been a bit anxious, wondering how this will turn out. But we recognize that God is in control; that He is unfolding His plan for us in His timing. (A year ago, we would have made a statement like this sincerely, but without truly understanding its implications. Now, because we are utterly dependent on Him, these words take on an entirely new meaning for us.)

As I sat down at my computer today, a feeling of dread began to shadow my heart. But then I thought of Christmas – of the joy and the expectancy and the sheer surprise of that special day – and I wondered if looking at our current situation through the lens of Christmas would help me understand God’s heart.

I know, with certainty, that our God gives good gifts. So I want to have that same feeling of “Christmas excitement” tomorrow, or later this week, when the search committee contacts Bruce. Whether the answer is “Yes, we are interested” or “No, we are choosing someone else”, I want to receive that answer as a good gift…as the best possible gift…from my loving Father.

Whether we move forward in the candidate process with this church, or whether we look for some type of work right here, my desire is to receive this surprise present as God’s gift, wrapped in His love, for us.

As I was writing this post, the words from “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear” popped into my head. This wonderful Christmas hymn…particularly the third verse…seems appropriate to our situation.

It came upon the midnight clear,
That glorious song of old,
From angels bending near the earth,
To touch their harps of gold;
“Peace on the earth, good will to men,
From Heaven’s all gracious King.”
The world in solemn stillness lay,
To hear the angels sing.

Still through the cloven skies they come
With peaceful wings unfurled,
And still their heavenly music floats
O’er all the weary world;
Above its sad and lowly plains,
They bend on hovering wing,
And ever over its Babel sounds
The blessèd angels sing.

And ye, beneath life’s crushing load,
Whose forms are bending low,
Who toil along the climbing way
With painful steps and slow,
Look now! for glad and golden hours
Come swiftly on the wing.
O rest beside the weary road,
And hear the angels sing!

- Julie

The New Shoes

I bought a new pair of shoes a few months back. We were going away for a multiple-day business event and I wanted to look great; these new shoes completed the outfits I planned to wear. Now I know from experience that the first few outings with a pair of new shoes – particularly dress shoes – can be difficult. The shoes will be tight, they will create pressure points, and I will finish the evening with a few sore toes and maybe even a blister or two.

Knowing this, I should have purchased the shoes ahead of time so I could “break them in.” Since I didn’t, I promised myself that I would live with whatever pain came my way on the trip, and I packed lots of band aids so I would be ready.

What a price I paid! Knowing my weak spots, I put on some band aids the first day, even before any blisters appeared. But after just one hour my feet were asking to get those shoes off. I endured. A few hours later, they were swelling. It felt like my feet were begging to get out of the shoes. I endured.

At the end of that first day, my feet almost cried as I released them from their prison of pain. They wiggled, they spread, they did toe-touches to the floor – life was good for my feet!

But then came the second day and it was time to get back in the shoes. A few toes were okay – hardly murmuring at all. But one toe in particular had developed a blister, and even with two band aids in place, it was not a happy camper. It was really an endurance contest…and I wondered who was going to win: the toes begging for relief? Or the person who owned the toes (me)?

I decided to try and ignore the pain and discomfort, and I pressed on. I walked everywhere I needed to go during the meetings. I almost gave up, but I kept telling myself, “you’ve come this far…keep going.” So I went on…me and my aching toes…walking and hurting.

By the third day, things were a little easier. The blister wasn’t worse and the other toes were learning to deal with a little toe pinching. The shoes were starting to stretch and become more comfortable. So, by the time the meetings finished and we returned home, the shoes were fine and my toes were fine. I could walk without pain.

So the end result was wonderful, but the process was not easy. And much of the pain was self-inflicted.

This experience mirrors how I often have felt during this past year. God has been asking me to make some important life changes, such as learning to slow down and wait upon Him. In essence, He is asking me to “put on some new shoes”. In response, I have had to develop some new perspectives and learn how to respond in some new ways. These changes have not always been easy. Along the way, I’ve developed some emotional and spiritual “blisters”; some of them self-inflicted.

It’s always tempting to want to remove the pain by giving up. But – just as I must keep wearing the new shoes until they are comfortably broken in – I also must keep pressing on with God until the new habits He wants to instill are a comfortable and ongoing part of my life.

All of this takes time, and helps me understand why God sometimes moves more slowly than I would like. There is just no quick way to break in a new pair of shoes, just as there is no quick way to become a more faithful and mature follower of Jesus.

- Julie

Waiting Is Not Just About Me

The LORD's anger burned against Israel and he made them wander in the desert forty years, until the whole generation of those who had done evil in his sight was gone. (Numbers 32:13)

Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. (Romans 12:4-5)

As a product of American culture, it is so easy to think that it is all about me. Particularly during times when God seems slow to act, or does not seem to be “meeting my needs” (as defined by me, of course), it is easy to start questioning and even complaining.

This weekend marks the one-year anniversary of my departure (and Julie’s) from the Eastside staff. And as of June 30, I’ve also wrapped up my ministry with Stadia. Needless to say, I’m eager to find another ministry. I do not like being unemployed. I cannot wait to feel productive in Kingdom service again. And from a purely practical standpoint, the financial reserves we are living on will not last forever, so we need to generate income. But the ministry search has been unfolding at an agonizingly slow pace.

I find myself asking, “Why me, Lord? Am I doing something wrong? Is there some unlearned lesson I still need to embrace?”

Now it’s true that waiting on the Lord always brings additional lessons, so almost every week I find that there is some new insight I can personally glean from this protracted journey. [The same is true for Julie. We are convinced that the vision for a women’s ministry center (described in the July 16 post titled “A God Sized Dream”) would not have come about, except that she was waiting…and listening…and seeking God.]

But the biggest lesson I have learned in recent weeks is that the reason for waiting often has nothing to do – at least directly – with me. As I ponder the verses written at the top of this post, I am reminded of just how interconnected we are with other people in the Kingdom of God.

The quote from Numbers in the Old Testament tells me that Israel disobeyed God and was forced to wander in the wilderness for 40 years. But was every man, woman, and child in that nation equally guilty? I seriously doubt it. In fact, we know that at least two men – Caleb and Joshua - were completely blameless and were exonerated by God Himself. Yet these two innocent men wandered…and waited…right along with the rest of their countrymen. And what about the children who were born during these years? They were completely innocent, yet many of these people grew up and spent their formative years participating in a season of waiting. Why? Because they were part of a community, and their lives were inextricably linked to the lives of others.

In other words: they were waiting…not because of something they did, but because of a season the community needed to experience.

The quote from Romans in the New Testament categorically states that I, as a believer, belong to other believers. Obviously, this is not a statement of “ownership”; it is a statement about the commitment and accountability required for meaningful community.

In many ways, this is a very un-American viewpoint, because I have been taught to prize my independence and my individuality to a fault. Independence is not necessarily a bad thing, but it must go hand-in-hand with interdependence and dependence. All of these qualities are vital, and must be held in balance (and in tension) with each other, for me to participate in community in a healthy way.

For example, even in the church, we speak (too much, in my view) of someone’s “personal relationship with Jesus.” This is true, but only in a very limited sense, because my personal relationship with the Lord intertwines my life with a faith community. A community that needs me to use my gifts and talents. A community whose gifts and talents I need. A community where we all are encouraged to live out mutual submission and encouragement and accountability. A community, in other words, where my season of “waiting” does not take place in isolation.

So I am realizing (belatedly) that my waiting is not just about me.

When our oldest daughter, Karina, moved to Portland last fall, it meant that she was no longer around to help with the wedding planning. She did what she could, but most of the planning fell upon Julie and me. If we had been working…rather than waiting…it would have been far more difficult to handle some of the unanticipated “bumps in the road” that took place in the weeks leading up to the wedding.

Our son, Matthew, is facing some major life decisions. In December, he will graduate from college. He also is in a very serious relationship with a wonderful young woman. Needless to say, he has profound questions about how the next few years of his life may unfold. Because he is going to school full-time, and working multiple jobs to meet his financial obligations, his hours are unpredictable and frenetic. Several times in recent days he has come home late at night, full of questions and eager to talk. Three nights in a row, we stayed up until 2:00 am. as I listened and responded. If I was working (and had to get up in the morning)…rather than waiting…I simply could not have been available like this to my son.

Because we have not been working, Julie and I have developed some new relationships that have enlarged our sense of community. We have had the time to meet with, pray with, and even serve our new friends. These things would not have taken place…apart from this season of waiting.

I’m even learning to see the slow job search through the richer lens of community, rather than through the selfish lens of “I want a job.” The number of open pulpits at churches is dramatically down this year because of the recession. Some pastors who had planned to retire cannot do so, because their retirement funds have evaporated. Some pastors who want to leave their established churches and plant a new church are electing not to do so until the economy recovers. Some churches have lost their lead pastor, and are choosing not to fill the position because giving at their church has declined. All of this affects me personally, because each of these situations represents a potential opportunity that will not come about. But these pastors are my colleagues; these churches are filled with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Rather than resent how their hardships may adversely (though unknowingly) impact me, I instead should pray for them…and trust that God will care for me in His time.

So as I try to accept God’s seeming slowness to bring about an end to this season of waiting, I’m learning…slowly…to respond in new and different ways. Instead of asking, “Why me, Lord?”, I’m trying to discern who I can encourage, who I can serve, and who in my circle of influence might actually benefit from this season when I am waiting.

- Bruce

Waiting

This fall I’ve been learning a great deal about waiting. In the past I often have considered “waiting” to be a waste of time. After all, if I can be more efficient or find a short-cut…then why wait? But God has used this season to remind me that waiting brings its own rewards and blessings.

Waiting allows me to work through the issues and behaviors that – at times – plague my thoughts; the self-talk that derails my best intentions; the frenzy that causes my emotions to get out of balance.

Waiting reminds me to be a more patient person – not expecting others to jump when I determine that something “must” be done right now. Waiting helps me consider if these self-imposed deadlines are valid or arbitrary.

Waiting helps me to extend grace to myself and others, allowing time for growth and development.

Waiting demands my release of control; my desire to orchestrate all that happens to myself and those whom I love. Instead, I must rest in God’s unfolding plan, rather than insist on my plan.

At the Mountain Learning Center, we enjoyed 19 meals with Russ and Kandy. We always stayed at the table at least an hour. At first, I felt my anxiousness rising…we had stuff to do!  But after several meals, I started to relax. To take my time. To enjoy the act of intentionally waiting: waiting for everyone to finish; waiting for the food to settle; waiting for the next enjoyable moment in the conversation.

I am starting to talk myself out of some impatience and I am letting go of my demands for speed. Instead, I am waiting. Waiting for others to finish, waiting for others to answer, waiting until someone has completed their task...waiting while I take the time to think through my own tasks.

Even as I’m waiting, I can watch, take notice, and rest in expectation, believing that God is at work in the moment. In each and every moment.  I’m discovering that the more I slow down, the richer and more full my life becomes. That the reward and the blessing of  learning to wait.

- Julie